Throughout the whole of history, finding an ideal mate has been one of the human race’s most primal priorities, so in order to make it a tad easier for you, here’s a list of the 10 best places for an American to find a wife in the world. As you click through our list, I will give you a bit of an overview on the history of modern marriage (which I learned from Yesterday and Live Science), and its implications. If you keep reading, you might even realize you don’t want to get married at all! But first, how do we know where Americans find their wives?
The answer to that question lies with the Department of Homeland Security –as it often does- and their “Profiles on Legal Permanent Residents”. Their stats allow us to extract data on how many “Immediate Relatives of U.S. Citizens” possess “legal permanent resident status”, their countries of origin, and how many of them are female. It’s not an exact science, but it gives us a pretty good idea of how the deal works, and Return of Kings provides an excellent map on the matter. However, since that article is over 4 years old, many things have changed, so I had to adjust the percentages to the new stats, from 2015.
Copyright: dolgachov / 123RF Stock Photo
I’ve surfed several web sites –such as Foreign Brides, and our very own IM list on the 10 Easiest Countries to Find a Wife– and crossed-referenced them with the stats provided by the Department of Homeland Security. I then went on to rank them by number of female residents in the US by country, and out of that list, I picked the countries that showed over 60% of the total “legal aliens” (or immigrants, in plain English) were female. By means of example, China has over 42.490 female residents in the US, but that only represents 57% of Chinese immigrants, which is too close to 50-50 to assume that 7% would all want to marry Americans. This is, of course, a mildly racist, undeniably sexist “back of the envelope” calculation that doesn’t consider age groups or sexual preferences. If you feel “iffy” about these results, the stats are featured on the DHS website previously provided, and you can do them yourself.
Last but not least, on the subject of marriage, I would like to establish that being married doesn’t make you any less of a lonely loser, so don’t go thinking a wedding band is going to fix your problem. If, however, you’re still interested in finding an exotic, probably not very willing wife, click next and start shopping! Now, let’s see our list of best places for an American to find a wife in the world.
10. Indonesia
Indonesia holds place number on our list of best places for an American to find a wife in the world. Not really surprising, is it? In fact, one thing I found out while writing this article is that most stereotypes on this subject are correct.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 2,084 | 1,323 | 761 |
| % | 63.5% | 36.5% |
Given that marriage is a very old concept, “marrying for love” is something that didn’t exist until relatively recent times. Think about it, your great-grandparent’s marriage (or other people’s) probably had little to do with love and a lot to do with alliances and convenience. It was a deal not between individuals, but families. Yet, the foundation of –what most of America understands as- marriage, goes back way further, to primitive times.
Copyright: olegdudko / 123RF Stock Photo
9. Taiwan
Like anything else you’ve ever imported from Thailand, you’d think these girls are made of cheap plastic, but you’d be wrong. These girls are flesh and blood, and super beautiful.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 4,888 | 3,022 | 1,866 |
| % | 61.8% | 38.2% |
If we went waaay back in history, we would find that marriage used to be all about security, a survival strategy meant to protect the family and help the children survive; it was an evolutionary device. Lucky for them, passion and love where still considerable factors, and there were not compelled by any written, binding legal contracts… Yet.
Copyright: achiartistul / 123RF Stock Photo
8. Poland
We inaugurate the East-European categories with dear Poland, a place so cold there’s no wondering why some girls would marry an American just to get the hell out of there like it’s 1939.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 5,275 | 3,163 | 2,112 |
| % | 60.0% | 40% |
Now, like I said, there are many different kinds of marriage, with different origins and religions, but let’s not kid ourselves, if we’re talking America, we’re talking good ol’ Christian marriage, because, like Louis CK says:
“We love to tell ourselves, like, ‘Every religion is exactly…’ No! No, they’re not. The Christians won EVERYTHING! A long time ago! If you don’t believe me, let me ask you a question: what year is it?” He later goes on to add “The Jews are quietly keeping track. ‘It’s really 5, 777 but that’s just for us. We’re just keeping track for when you snap out of it. It’s alright I’ll write your years on my check, I don’t want a problem.’”
And that’s basically the reason when I say “marriage” you think white dress, veil, rings, doves flying, and of course: virginity.
Rock and Wasp/Shutterstock.com
7. Thailand
Yes, yes, we’re all thinking it: chicks with dicks, right? But who are we to judge?
I’m not entirely sure how much I would trust this sex stats (sex and gender are not the same thing), but If you like surprises, Thigh-land might be a fun choice.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 7,502 | 4,654 | 2,848 |
| % | 62% | 38% |
With traditions such as wedding bands being traced back to the Roman Empire, the kind of marriage we know today originated in European nations, mostly as a civil institution. In fact, the need for God’s seal of approval was not born until the 12th century, when the Roman Catholic Church declared the institution a sacrament. Later the Reformation tried to kick God’s nose out of it, but it was too late, for the most.
Copyright: ivantsov / 123RF Stock Photo
6. Ukraine
Once again, Eastern Europe strikes our “best places for an American to find a wife in the world” list and, once again, no one is shocked.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 7,987 | 4,901 | 3,086 |
| % | 61.36% | 38.64% |
Courtship (the one based on “romantic love”, which was basically flirting and teasing under A LOT of rules), was stablished during the Victorian era, when men wooed women under the watching eyes of a chaperone. A lot has changed since then, and the love letters that once read “ Dear Miss W— ; You will no doubt be surprised to receive a letter from one who is almost a total stranger to you, but I hope you will pardon me for my boldness when I tell you how truly, how deeply I love you” have metamorphosed into pictures of dicks.
Dmitry Sheremeta/Shutterstock.com
5. Japan
Japan holds a special place on our list of best places for an American to find a wife in the world, because even it’s far from N°1, the percentage of female immigrants is of 71.1%; almost 10% higher than any other country, meaning there are lot more Japanese chicks running around the USA than men.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 5,395 | 3,838 | 1,557 |
| % | 71.1% | 28.9% |
Back on the subject of courtship and pictures of dongs, Chelsea Peretti gives the process of sending a dick-pic a hilarious spin: “He’s not just taking one photo, and then he’s done, you know? I’m imagining it’s going to be a series of photos so he’s getting different angles and whatever. Pretty soon, he’s got a phone full of dicks.”
That’s fun to picture.
Pixabay/Public Domain
4. Russia
Raise your tanks in the air and wave them like you just don’t care!
We are all-so-very-familiar with the Russian mail order bride stereotype, this should come as no surprise to anyone. Given the US history and relation with the USSR, this is just one more passive-agressive maneuver in an endless cock-fight. I can totally picture Trump going: “Your women prefer us because we can BUY THEM (stuff)”. Oh, and since we’re on him, nice going on marrying a total KGB agent! You have earned Slovenia a special mention on our list of best places for an American to find a wife in the world.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 8,799 | 5,645 | 3,154 |
| % | 64.2% | 35.8% |
Still, however many dick-pics a girl receives throughout her life, the fact is that the institution of marriage and monogamy are deeply rooted in western society. Divorce, conveniently instated by Henry VIII, who married 6 different women throughout his life (and had a couple beheaded), was frowned upon for a long time, and it still is, but it has given society a legal out of the contract.
Pixabay/Public Domain
3. Colombia
You probably thought the Latino presence on our list would be Mexican, right?
WRONG.
Even though the data I used actually placed Mexico high in our ranking of best places for an American to find a wife in the world, let’s not forget those were pre-Trump stats (oh, the good old days!). I could get no concrete information on the recent years, but it would be totally hypocritical to label an American marrying a Mexican in 2017 as “easy”, so I had to -ironically- leave them out.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 17,316 | 10,830 | 6,485 |
| % | 62.54% | 37.46% |
The divorce took a long time to settle in, but not as long as gender equality. In fact, this concept was practically inconceivable until 50 years ago. Take this as an example: “in the United States, marital rape was legal in many states until the 1970s, and women often could not open credit cards in their own names.” Moreover, if someone killed or injured your wife, you could sue the person responsible for dispossessing you of “services around the home”. If a husband got killed, wife’s would just have to suck it up (literally, even, if things got really bad).
Copyright: czardases / 123RF Stock Photo
2. Vietnam
Such a history America has with this nation, who would have thought 50 years ago that one day they’d make the second place on the list of best places for an American to find a wife in the world as an easy-to-marry country?
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 30,832 | 18,650 | 12,182 |
| % | 60.4% | 39.6% |
As you can see the concept of equal, happy, loving, respectful, non-gender-based marriages are quite a recent development that took very long to root, and still needs to be carefully nurtured. Another “novelty” of recent times is gay marriage, even though there’s really nothing new about being gay and it can be traced to ancient Greece (those guys knew what was up). It seems to have taken a very long time for society to actually respect love, and even more to legislate in its favor.
Pixabay/Public Domain
1. Philippines
In the recent years the Philippine government has strongly stood up against human trafficking, but this –apparently- has mad it no harder to find a wife in this country (especially since there already are 35,464 Philippine women living in the US already). Also, if your child is born in the Phillipines you can legally name them “Bing, Bong, Bambi, Bogie, Girlie, Peanut, and Bumbum”, in my book, that totally makes the Philippines one of the 10 best places for an American to find a wife in the world.
| Characteristic | Total | Female | Male |
| Total | 56,478 | 35,464 | 21,013 |
| % | 62.8% | 37.2% |
Personally speaking, I’m a big, HUGE, fan of love, and will always advocate on its behalf, but I’m certain I do not need a piece of paper to confirm it. It is true that it brings legal benefits when it comes to things such as real-estate and health, but lest be honest: people mostly do it because they want to have a party. This I understand, and I surely be eager to celebrate the mutual love between me and my partner someday by throwing the party of the century, but I feel no necessity of bringing the government or God into it.
What about you? Will little baby Bumbum be born in or out of wedlock? Choose wisely: divorce can be hell.
Pixabay/Public Domain
